Safety is often just an illusion, crafted out of ignorance. If you know how fragile life is, and how easily it can all end, could you ever really feel safe again?
My dreams ware shattered by an Incessant beeping, arms reached out blindly searching in desperation for the magic button that would return sweet silence to my life. I hit snooze, silencing everything but my racing heart, as I learned how to breathe again. People like to talk about a zombie apocalypse, yet I get to live through it every morning. But in my case, I am the zombie.
I stifle rose out of bed, mechanically muscles spasm and twitch as my body is jerkily driven forward by one single thought left in my brain. A thought that took all my need boiling it down to a single word. The word came out gravely as though it was being spoken by a corpse.
“BATHROOM”
After I found sweet release, I continued forward in the same daily routine in pursuit of the next word that rules my morning.
“COFFEE”
My body seemed to move on it’s own as I started up a fresh pot. And with that first sip I felt life coming back into me little by little. Now that I could think more then single words, I went to look at my phone to see what the world had for me today. A cold chill ran down my spine as I listened to a missed message.
“This is the office of Doctor Callahan, I am calling to let you know that last night Shannon Hall declined and was put on ventilator. As her closest living relative you are now in control of any decisions in regards to her care.”
The cellphone fell from my grasp as everything went numb, I struggled to come to terms with the fact that the woman who raised me, my grandmother might never wake up again.
I moved through the day feeling like an empty puppet, not having the energy to deal with my ridiculously long hair I simply pulled it back into a ponytail. pulling my car out I noticed the red warning sign telling me I was low on gas. Arriving at the gas station it hit me, that my grandmother was low on gas too, and could die on me. I sat there shaking with unshed tears trying to pull myself together. Pulling myself together, I forced a happy face before heading into the store to pay for the gas. I made sure to be extra happy and friendly to the cashier to hide just how broken I was feeling inside.
The hospital room smelled of antibiotics and despair. Could feel the air humming, tasting every jolt as it ran through me, with every repetitive beep beep hiss. Looking down at the face of the woman who took care of me sense I was a child. I had seen that face so many times, with so many expressions. Yet now she is just laying there blank of any expression. Will this be the last face I get to see on her?
“What do I do grandma? I can’t make this choice on my own.”
Three weeks passed. Three weeks of missing her. Thee weeks of hoping that she would come back to me. Three weeks, three weeks without her, three weeks alone.
All my hope has run out, I know what I need to do. With a heavy heart I forced myself to move forward to let them…
Getting into my car I was once more met with the red warning sign of low gas. I couldn’t help myself I laughed aloud.
“ok I guess I can put it off a little longer”
It was the same gas station that I had visited a life time ago, back when this all started. It’s odd how things seem to come full circle. After paying and pumping my gas there was nothing left to keep me from…
Paper and ink mixed together in such away that gave me the power over life and death.
Beep beep hiss.
The sound crashes over me as I hold the pen shaking in my hand.
Beep beep hiss.
As long as I don’t sign my name, the sound will keep going and my grandma won’t leave me. Tears run freely down my cheeks, no face smile’s between family, we always tried to be honest with each other.
Beep beep hiss.
I love you gram gram, you wore the best parent I could of asked for. Like a sword piercing my heart I drove the pen down it’s black ink spilling out thicker then blood. Lifting the pen I could see my name.
Beep beep hiss.
I reached over and held my grandmothers hand as doctors moved around shutting down the things keeping her alive.
Beep Beep… beeeep…
My grandma’s house feels cold, empty. I guess it’s my house now… I can’t bring myself to go into her room or go through her things.
Her bedroom door is shrouded in black mist. I keep seeing someone out of the corner of my eye, for a fraction of a second just to disappear when I focus on them.
As the days go by the darkness keeps moving out into the house, I can’t get enough air, my heart races, I feel restless, I feel like I can’t do anything at all.
I still can’t go in there. I can’t make myself walk through that darkened doorway to her room.
I am so scared, I feel like I am losing my mind, things keep going missing, and even when I am not home the darkness fallows me hovering, always watching over me.
I had to go back to work, everything feels numb, yet being forced to do something, even work helps me feel just a bit less empty. I came home feeling completely drained. Black fog passes by me, I noticed a figure siting at the table. I ignored it whispering under my breath.
“No. I am not going into that room.”
When I looked back there a man was sitting at the table. My heart jumped in my chest and I involuntarily let out an ear splitting scream. He rushed forward closing the distance between us well I stood frozen in place. His hand took hold of my hair griping it with such force I could feel hair’s being pulled out. Vision blurred as the wall rushed forward crashing into me.
My ears are ringing, everything hurts, I can’t move. I can feel cords pressing into my skin holding me tight. It’s hard to breathe, I can’t open my mouth. The light is burning my eyes sending A pulse of pain rattling through my skull. I see a dark figure leaning over me, as my eyes struggle to focus. Dark smoke is swirling around him. As my vision clears I see his eyes. They look so angry, so hungry. I don’t understand. I can’t stop him, I can’t even call for help. Tears stream down my cheeks, as the helplessness of my situation sinks in.
He bends down over me, I feel there lips kissing my forehead. As he rises over me I can see his lips marked with blood, my blood. His voice came out as a low growl.
“I love you so much… I think I am finally ready to take are relationship to the next level… I would say that I’ll be gentle… but we both know… that’s not what you want.”