Last year (2022) I managed to get my first concussion in March,from working on a project and a tool slipped and got me, wasn’t too bad, misplaced time, everything was spiny, a tiny bit of nausea, but nothing…. Tooo bad
Next concussion was at work in July. I slipped and fell, I had to drive home. Left at 2 didn’t get back til 8. I’ve no idea where I was or what I did. Car had scratches and a few dents, bf woke up at 12am and rushed me to the ER, still can’t clearly remember why. He refuses to even acknowledge it. Just “We went to the ER. Please can we not talk about this?”
Third, in September. I got into a bad car wreck. A car ran a red and hit my sedan going over 45, my car went rolling.
Due to the concussions, my Dr thinks I’ve had a mild stroke, as one side of my body doesn’t function correctly. I can’t move it, I have pressure behind one eye, I see things, hear things, and I get…. Random thoughts and vivid dreams of just…. Mutilating things. My anger will spike and I’ll stare at someone who’s frustrating me and start to think about how much I’d like to hurt them (I’ve so far always been able to walk away, and luckily I have a dog who’s a trained service animal, trained mainly for anxiety and asthma, but she picks up my anger and will force me to leave. Either by pushing me with her head, or grabbing my clothes or hand and pulling me away to somewhere quiet for me to calm down)
My memory is shot. I can’t remember anything half the time, I’ll ask my bf over and over about something, or tell him something I’ve already told him. If I leave the house, I have a 50% chance that I’ll get lost. My brain just… Shuts down. I’ll be talking and it does the same thing, I just get quiet and stare off to space
I gained a stutter, really really bad. I constantly feel like I have spiders on my skin, tho one side I can’t feel anything, I’ve taken to testing it with hot water or hot pans, it doesn’t do anything? The skin gets warm and that’s it….I’ll start scratching, and… Can’t stop. Especially the side I can’t feel, I’ll scratch it and get mad (?) And it just gets worse til my bf forces me to stop. He’s threatened to tape socks or soft gloves to my hand.
I feel like I’m going insane. I can see figures in the corner of my eyes, I hear voices that aren’t there. Right now, as I type this, my bf is asleep next to me, our dogs passed out at our feet, and there’s a dude in our bedroom doorway, staring at us. I know he’s not really there, the dogs don’t react and the countless times I wake my bf, he can’t see him. Sometimes it’s a little girl.
I’ll get angry, for no reason and want to take my anger out on anything in my way.
The doctor says it’s my brain trying to heal from so many injuries within a short time period. I just know it’s frustrating. It drove me insane yesterday, all I could hear was someone screaming. I don’t know what they said, but I could hear them. My dog didn’t react so I didn’t.
My doctor recommended that I not drive. I took the car out cause I needed to get out, just to the store. A 5 minute trip. I called my bf after I got lost. On a road I’ve been driving on for 2 years. When I do have to drive to appointments, someone has to be on the phone with me, otherwise I space out and don’t remember where I’m going. And I panic cause the road starts moving and the car seems to be “flying” - this is what my bf has said when he’s called me asking where the hell I am after he came back from work to my car gone. He now takes my car and I can’t drive his as it’s stick and I can’t move to shift the car properly
My vision will blur randomly, or I’ll start to shake. My doctor says those are my new ticks. And I need to record when they happen and for how long.
The other day, my bf’s friend suggested that I’m faking it. Just for attention. The next thing my bf notices is I have a small knife I’m stroking, staring at his friend, his friend left shortly after and my bf has become way more worried and protective.
Doctors don’t know what’s going on with me, I know I wouldn’t hurt anyone, but sometimes I just crave it … So so much …
My bf has kept me under lock and key, trackers on my phone and in my pockets, the neighbors (we live in an apartment building) keep watch to make sure I don’t go outside.
I get random things of nausea, moving to fast stirs this, I can’t sleep half the time as my dreams are vivid, usually about things any sane person would be scared of
Doctors won’t give me any meds, as they’re not sure what’s happening. They say I’m not a threat. A “specialist” I went to said he thinks I should be fine in a couple more months. My bf asked him how he knew that. His response? “” She hasn’t killed you yet. They’re just thoughts. They’ll go away on their own.”
My violent outbursts are becoming worse tho.
my bfs Friend has come by to hang with my boyfriend. He’s not home from work yet…. The same one who insists I’m faking it…. the cold steel in my hand has notches across the slide, it’s fun to run my nails over. Relaxing in a way. the cold little bullets inside are screaming to be released…. I know the loud sound will hurt my head for about a week, but I need to let them out…..