She likes to watch me.
A lot.
I figured that out during the first four months after her death.I was really creeped out when I saw her the very first time, after we got back home from the funeral, I thought I was dreaming…but now it has become a norm, part of my daily routine.To watch her standing in the corner, drenched from head to toe, skin white as a sheet, a few curls of wet hair on her bloody forehead with those eyes..those goddamn hollow eyes.She never tries to do anything else…to make contact or to speak…I don’t even know if she can..but she sure exploits the hell out of the one thing she can do.
Stare.
Following my every movement with those wide saucer like eyes.I have never tried talking to her, afraid that I might actually get a reply.I haven’t told anyone about this.It’s not like they’ll believe me and also I don’t really have anyone to confide in.I was always the shy and reserved type.Didnt have many friends to play with.She, however, was just the opposite.Popular, Outgoing, Beautiful…even when we looked the fucking same.I was always the other sister.Not that I had any problem with that.We even celebrated our birthdays differently.She would have this big fat party..and I would spend the whole day reading books in my room.So to figure out why she would take such intense interest in me now is beyond me.
The incident happened 5 days before our 16th birthday.She was drunk after coming home from a party at 3 am and for some reason decided to take a swim in our backyard pool.Stumbled and hit her head on the railing of the pool stairs and fell straight into the water. No one realised what had happened until after the next morning my mom saw something floating in the pool from the kitchen window.That was our Lily, with eyes wide awake and a bloody wound on her forehead.
Our dad had passed away from cancer 5 years ago.My mom raised us alone and she was doing a good job at it.She would take us out to movies whenever she got time from work and tried to be as involved as possible in our lives.She wanted us to live the life she promised dad we would have after he was gone.
Lily’s death was hitting rock bottom for her.It took her so long to cope up with dad’s absence, and when things were finally going back to normal, Lily died at the fresh age of 16.It looked like the whole town showed up for the funeral.I wondered if I would have had the same impact.I also wondered if they were silently wishing I should’ve been dead instead, if mom wished for that.I never made much difference into other people’s life anways.Lily however, held a much more important position.All her classmates were there that day, all of her close friends delivered painstakingly long eulogies.Her boyfriend Mason didn’t deliver one but his eyes were a deep shade of red.
It was not like I wasn’t sad but I wasn’t particularly affected either from her death.After dad’s death I had become somewhat numb to the idea of death, as if accepting it as the part of life.You might label me unhinged for that. We also never spent much time together.Never did things people expected teenage twin girls to do.We both had come to terms with the fact that we were poles apart.
Sometimes I even forget she’s there.It really has been that long.Then I look up and meet those eyes…and the rest of her soul less face.I do wish she goes away someday.I don’t think I can have tolerate her being around when I actually start having a life, whenever that would be.
Even now while I’m finishing up my homework…she’s here.In the corner of my room.Doing what she does best.Staring me.The rest of her body isn’t as solid as her face.Its almost translucent..merging into the darkness.She is still wearing the dress she wore when she drowned, not the one from the funeral.It is thoroughly soaked but the water never drips on the ground. I close the laptop and go to my mom’s room to ask about dinner.She’s fast asleep or passed out drunk..I could never tell.I picked up my phone to order a pizza when I noticed a text on my screen.
‘do you wanna hang out?’
It was from Mason. Mason and I had barely exchanged more than 20 words with each other throughout the time he was dating Lily and none after she died.So my surprise was legitimate when I saw his text.Why was he messaging me now?I looked up contemplating how to turn him down..and I caught the eyes of my sister..holding the same fucking expression…only it looked like this time she knew what was I upto…I considered the possibility of her reaction if I actually accepted Mason’s offer..would she finally do something..would she finally speak to me or try to scare me off?I think I wanted to find out.
‘sure.where?’
Mason was visually surprised I had taken up his offer.He looked better than the last time I saw him.But that was again, my sister’s funeral. And of course she was here too…but this time rather than standing in the corner she was sitting next to him but her eyes were still on me.I wonder if Mason would run if I told him he could touch his dead girlfriend’s arm by just moving a bit to the left.
“So, whats up”
“Nothing much…I just realised that we never really talked after…after she passed away you know…I mean..uh..I know we didn’t talk much before either but I-I figured we should have…it would have helped….to cope..and stuff…but I guess we can do that now…if you’re okay with that.”
I felt like telling Mason that I didn’t have to cope with anything after her death other than my mother’s breakdown but I didn’t want to break his spirit and also not to sound like a condescending bitch.It wouldn’t hurt me to try and open up to people.Lily had such big things planned for a life she didn’t get to live.Maybe I should finally wake up and start living mine.
We talked for an hour more after that…it felt a bit..awkward.But it’s wasn’t that bad considering we had barely exchanged a word before.I noticed I can actually hold a conversation with him without boring him to death.I went to bed that night feeling good and I couldn’t remember the last time I ever felt like that.
The next few weeks were a blur…I hung out with Mason a few more times…mom was drunk and depressed for most of the days and Lily was still keen on drilling a hole into me with her gaze.I don’t know if she was mad about mine and Mason’s friendship…she still held the same damn expression…still lurked around the corners as usual…but sometimes I feel like her eyes have changed…like there is some kind of emotion stirring in them for the first time…or it could be just my imagination…I never know.
Tonight Mason invited me for a movie night at his place for the first time…I knew what might happen if I go…I don’t know how I feel about that…but I guess it’s time for to get out of the non existent zone for once.Its been two years since Lily’s death and she would have wanted him to move on too.
I went to his house and we talked for a while and then settled down to watch the movie…he was acting a bit nervous than usual and I think I knew why.Half an hour later my suspicions proved correct when I felt him grabbing my hand…when I turned around to face him, he tried to lean in, but I, however, didn’t see his face, what I saw was Lily, just behind him, staring with wide, accusing eyes.I don’t know what hit me …I jerked my head away instantly and stood up.He thought it was because of him and started apologizing profusely.I cut him off and grabbed my keys… stuttering something about curfew and going home. There was no curfew, he knew it and I knew it but he let it go .
On my way back home, with her in the passenger seat facing me sideways…for the first time in my life I realised I felt trapped. I caught a glimpse of what my life could be…and I realised I didn’t want her in it.I gripped the steering wheel hard and turned to face her..and with all the strength in my lungs, screamed, “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!” This was the first time I ever spoke to her. Her eyes got wide…wider than they were before and in the faintest voice, she whispered, “you.”
I shiver shot up my spine.Until upto this point at the back of my head I tried convincing myself that I was imagining her…that she wasn’t real…that if I tried hard enough she would go away..that I just wasn’t trying hard enough..but not now…not now that I’ve heard her…she was real..she was here..and now I heard what she wanted.I was still in shock when I realised I was still driving and I was still in shock when I realised there was a huge truck coming my way…and it was not slowing down.
I woke up feeling disoriented…the car was totally shattered.There was blood everywhere and my knee was bent at a weird angle, but it didn’t hurt.I looked around me..it was still dark…she was still sitting at the same place…only this time her skin wasn’t translucent…and it didn’t look like she was disappearing into the mist…it looked like she was actually really back.
“Get up.” she said, this time it was not a whisper, “the first day is the hardest one.”