let me start off this post by saying that i am a logical person. when something goes bump in the night, the last thing on my mind is the boogeyman.
however, i think this time it might be.
as the title suggests, my husband is no longer my husband. i don’t mean i got a divorce, i mean… fuck. i can’t even bring myself to type out the words.
something has taken over his body. or he’s an imposter. or something. it isn’t him, i know it isn’t him.
my husband and i have been together for 5 years. we have a child together who is nearly 4 months old, my daughter.
before all this started, my husband was loving and kind. a hard worker, working 13 hours days most days. he loves… loved? he loved me and our daughter more than anything.
he has never been the most affectionate kind of person. diagnosed as a person on the spectrum, certain things are completely out of his comfort zone. physical touch, sharing personal space, many different types of stimuli, etc.
we’ve had different bedrooms for years now and conceived our daughter…. medically.
my husband does not go out of his way to spend time in my space, doesn’t eat meat because of the texture, and NEVER raises his voice because he “doesn’t like the way it feels”. this will all be important later.
as for my daughter, my husband is devoted to her. doting on her hand and foot, always cuddling her, tending to her every need, making sure she is never crying for more than a few minutes. all of it. she is delighted with him. or was.
until what i’ve been calling “the switch”.
i know what you’re thinking. parenthood is hard, people change, lack of sleep… change of routine, blah blah blah. i get that, i really do. but trust me when i say that’s NOT what’s happening.
my husbands routine has not changed. i sleep with the baby in my room every night, i’m the only one losing sleep. he takes her when he gets home from work, but if he needs to shower or play video games or whatever — i take her.
now, as for this… thing, parading around as my husband—
there are a couple of things that have been happening for several weeks now.
i wake up to find him staring at me, maybe 3 or 4 inches away from my face, whenever i fall asleep before he goes upstairs to his room. if i nap on the couch, in my room, literally anywhere when it is around, i will wake up to the vacant, staring face of my husband inches away from my face. now. if i was watching someone when they slept, i personally would jump back and pretend like i wasn’t watching them the moment they woke up. who wants to explain why they’re staring at someone, right? well. this thing doesn’t give a shit. i will jump awake, try to laugh it off, question it, ask about the baby…. it will just back up and go do something else. no explanation, no change of expression, nothing.
the MEAT. i had a heavy meat aversion during my pregnancy and paired with my husbands texture issues , we typically get our protein from other sources. as of late, i’m buying about 10-12lbs of meat a week. what happens to it? i have no idea. i’m not cooking it. i put it in the fridge, and it disappears. usually during the night? i’ve been trying to take inventory before bed (when i remember,) and the meat usually vanishes by morning. i DO have 4 pets (2 cats and 2 dogs) but i highly doubt they are getting into the fridge at night. mainly because they all sleep with me, shut inside the nursery behind a closed door. this thing has asked me “where all the meat is” several times. as well as cleared out the deep freezer. i made a 6lb rib roast for the two of us for christmas, it was gone before i got a piece.
this next one might be a little controversial, and i’m sorry if this stresses anyone out — but please, hear me out. i’m tired, babies are hard work. my daughter no longer wants anything to do with my husband. his eyes no longer light up when he sees her or holds her, and she screams as soon as he/it enters the room or tries to speak to her. i will try to pass my daughter off to steal a few moments for a shower or to use the bathroom, but my hopes are short lived now because she will emit a blood curdling shriek as soon as my husband touches her.
then there’s the spitting. oh my god the SPITTING. whatever the fuck this thing is— it can’t swallow. it’s like a soon as it’s mouth fills with saliva, it will just spit it out onto the floor. there’s fucking puddles of spit EVERYWHERE. i’ve asked it repeatedly to stop, or why it keeps spitting on the ground, and all i’ve managed to get is a shrug.
the yelling. it has calmed down since it first started, which is somehow even weirder— but when i first started noticing the shift, my husband would scream or yell his responses at me, no matter how close we stood. it was not angry, but rather sounded like someone who couldn’t hear themselves speak or had headphones on. it makes me think of calibration. the noise, again, did not meet his eyes. nothing he says meets his eyes.
i am genuinely at a loss. this thing doesn’t seem to want to hurt us, it seems indifferent at best. i will also say i’ve heard … a lot of ghost stories about the area i live in. i’m located in the mountains of west virginia, people are really weird about missing persons here, so i’m not sure who i could even talk to.
i don’t know what to do, or where to turn. my parents (who live in AZ) just tell me i have PPD and to take my medication. but i can’t shake the feeling that it’s more than that.