I’ve been alive 31 years.
I’ve lived in the Midwest for my whole life.
Ive had a singular terrible experience with water, in that I lost a friend in the missouri river when i was young. And I never really got over the inherent danger natural water possesses; definitely never got over the fear of ‘dark’ water.
But here I am.. On vacation in the Solomon Islands. Some random sandbar off of the Patuxent River made for an amazing time the first night- last night–The festivities didn’t disappear with the tide as such things tend to do without much prior notice along that river.(from what I have been told) good company further accompanied by Vivid, loud croaks… and short, succinct chirps of insects speaking of the nature of it all.
You have to understand…. I’ve never experienced anything outside of 2 states away from Columbia, Missouri.
Here…Almost every step I take is accompanied by a fascinating empathy of all things around…I was just…I am just walking around sobbing. The sunset was nothing I had ever experienced. An adolescent big fish of some sort brushed against my left while was wading and it sent the calmest shiver down my back. This place is incredible. The locals were some of the best people I’ve yet to experience. So much love. So much acceptance…so much presence.
For the first time in my life since I was young I just wanted to swim…I just need to swim.
And so I did. Around 1 or 2 am.
And this isn’t a scary story….
This isn’t something to keep you wondering whats next. This happened. It’s complete. And I’m just left reeling (no pun intended) trying to figure out my next steps (so to speak)
I cut, just slightly, my underfoot while walking barefoot and knee deep…. the sensation was….it was revelatory, I’ve never really used the word. Never really thought boujie words like ‘transcendant’ and ‘revalatory’ were accetable..
BUT the water is what I’ve been missing.
Needing.
She’s let me know that. They all have. And SO beautiful…Even if only the sounds are representative of the entire aesthetic…The sound is akin to warm colors that can only be expressed by the juiciest fruits…thats the taste of air i got from it all.. Oranges… warm in color and satiating in taste.. pretty sure they represent all 5 food groups (probably. Fucking delicious)
By the time I got out of the river and walked toward my vehicle all I could do was sit in my driver seat. Look back to my previous activities…and stare..im still staring. Still sitting. No plans for commute….but there’s no color. I can barely see the silhouette of the sound that comforted me…I’ve tried to inch closer…but no taste. My mouth is dry and the Patuxent is singing and babbling in ways I’ve only remembered from my childhood on the MKT trail playing with tadpoles in a creek with my older brother, Adam…
These memories were so far compartmentalized that all 5 senses erupt at their remembrance.
And she knows it. They all do. They’re celebrating our concerted emotional elevation to this place at this time..and It’s with beautiful crescendo of slight currents brushing against the bank. The falsetto just barely out of ears reach. The (baritone? Does that mean deep and guttural?) <– THAT being only felt and not heard through the vibration of whatever spans underneath this riverbank….
From 4 am til now I’ve been affixed.
I was OF the ecosystem last night… I spent time within it….im STILL here, they HAVE to recognize that out of me…I felt the salinity saturation of the silt and sands of the area inbetween my toes.
I’m just staring…it’s around 10:25 am here (I guess? My watch still says 6:25 pm and I still haven’t acclimated my sleep schedule…just kind of didn’t plan on doing so for a while..
The sunrise was beautiful.
And I can only imagine that this next sunset is going to be the definition of finality…the song I hear leaves no room for interpretation. The sights I can’t get out of my head belong to no one but me.