They say you’ll never forget your first love. For me, my first love should be long forgotten.
But recent events now forced me to return to a forgotten and long buried past again.
I was 14 years old when the nightmare started. I was that moody, alternative kid who listened to way too much Rammstein and wore way too much black eyeliner. My parents had gotten divorced a couple of years earlier and my dad had basically checked out, leaving me with my stressed-out mom and her raging asshole of a new boyfriend. Of course, school was also just as fucked-up as it could get.
So, I spent a lot of time holed up in my room on my phone and laptop. Posting angsty lyrics in forums and wrote about how my parents just didn’t “get” me. I had no friends in real life, but online? People online just understood. All in all, my life wasn’t that special of course - every teenager had to deal with issues after all, right?
But then, he entered my life. A nice guy who ever so innocently commented on whatever post a depressed teenager would drop online. Looking back now, I want to slap my teenage self for being so naive - I mean, why would a man in his forties even linger around on teenage forums? So many red flags and yet, he was the light at the end of the tunnel when he first left a comment on one of my posts.
Post: [iPsycho] 08/13/2010
i will honestly kill myself if my stepfather doesn’t stop screaming like someone just stabbed himComment: [RalphieJ] 08/13/2010
I feel like you need someone to talk to.
Eventually, we exchanged emails. Honestly, I was just so desperate at this point. I needed someone to talk to, someone who would actually listen to me and not just act like they cared about my worthless existence. He was the light at the end of a never ending tunnel.
From: ralph#j@mailservice.net [08/14/10, 00:29am]
To: [redacted]
Subject: Hang in thereHi there,
I’ve watched you posting for some days now and I can’t help but feel a strong connection between us. You are such a special, beautiful girl, and I want nothing more than to be the one who helps you through these difficult times.
I know you might be scared or uncertain, but I promise you, I mean you no harm. In fact, I only want to protect you and make you feel loved and cherished, the way you deserve.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here to listen without judgment. You deserve to feel heard and supported during this difficult period. Don’t hesitate to email me anytime.
Waiting eagerly for your reply,
Ralph
As a messed-up kid I just ate it all up. I really should have listened to that little voice in the back of my head telling me this was a bad idea, that this was wrong, that this was how countless true crime episodes on television started. But I ignored it, like the dumbass I was. Instead, I poured my heart out to Ralph.
From: [redacted] [08/14/10, 00:37am]
To: ralph#j@mailservice.net
Subject: Re: Hang in therehi ralph, thank you so much for reaching out. life’s shit, lol. but it’s nice to have someone who seems to care for once. read somewhere you have a kid, bet you’re a good father. you should see mine, he’s a complete wreck.
anyways, enough of that. tell me more about yourself!! bet your life is mad different from mine. without all that teenage drama haha. can’t wait to be an adult.[redacted]
His responses were always so fast, like he was just waiting by his computer, desperate for me to reply. And knowing someone actually wanted to talk to me, made my heart skip several beats.
From: ralph#j@mailservice.net [08/14/10, 00:42am]
To: [redacted]
Subject: Hang in thereHi kiddo,
You should never rush growing up. But I thought the same when I was your age. There isn’t much to say about me though, I’m just some guy who enjoys helping lonely souls online. But I really promise you, I’m not some creep.
Everyone needs someone to lean on, especially when your parents fail at that. I can be that person for you, if you let me.
Yours,
Ralph
We fell into a predictable pattern after that. I’d spend hours agonizing over the perfect angsty email to send him, pouring out all my depressing thoughts and asking him for advice on everything - from dealing with my stepfather to whether I should get my lip pierced. And he would reply with his usual understanding, sensitive tone, making me feel so incredibly seen.
From: [redacted] [08/18/10, 04:14pm]
To: ralph#j@mailservice.net
Subject: Everyone just sucks!!i just don’t understand how everyone at school can be so stupid and fucked-up at the same time. i remember when my mom said “you’ll miss school once you start working”
the fuck i will do!
get me out of here or i will end it all. anyways, really just glad i’m home now. talking to you is the only thing i can look forward to by now.
What I needed was a therapist, not him.
From: ralph#j@mailservice.net [08/18/10, 04:26pm]
To: [redacted]
Subject: Re: Everyone just sucks!!Missed you, I’m happy to hear from you.
I’m with you on that one, though. Can’t say I miss school one single bit.
I will always be here for you, though. So I’m happy you feel that way. I feel like our connection has really deepened lately. You’ve opened up to me about things you can’t share with anyone else in your life, and that means more to me than you’ll ever know. I’m proud to be your confidant, the one person you can trust completely. That such a pretty girl like yourself wastes her time on an old guy like me really makes my day.
I know that must sound strange coming from a man my age. But I don’t look at you with some vulgar, perverted male gaze. My admiration is entirely cerebral, a deep appreciation for your singular essence and all the gifts you have to offer the world. Does that make sense?
Let me know if I ever make you feel uncomfortable. The last thing I’d ever want is to make you feel unsafe or creeped out. I adore you far too much for that.
Your devoted friend,
Ralph
Reading that email now makes me want to vomit. The way he tried to rationalize and legitimize his absolutely fucked up “appreciation” for me. But at the time, as naive and starved for validation as I was, his words actually made sense to me. I didn’t mind much doing the things he wanted me to do. Sending him pictures. Telling him how I hurt myself whenever I felt too bad to even leave my bed.
But eventually, the emails took an even darker turn as Ralph’s control over me grew stronger.
From: ralph#j@mailservice.net [08/26/10, 08:02pm]
To: [redacted]
Subject: Where are you[Redacted],
After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me? I was waiting for you all day and yet I haven’t heard from you even once. You’re the one who came crying to me in the first place, begging for someone to care about your pathetic existence.
Well, I care. More than you could ever fucking comprehend. And if you think you can just cut me off now, after everything, you’ve got another thing coming.
I know things about you, things that would RUIN your life if they got out. Your home address, for starters. The school you go to. Your loser mom’s work schedule. What if I post the cute pictures you have sent me? You think I’m playing games here?
Don’t fuck with me on this. I’ll make you regret the day you were born if you disobey me. Consider yourself warned.
I’ll never forget the wave of terror and nausea that washed over me after reading those words. This was a side of Ralph I’d never seen before – a side that chilled me to my very core.
At that moment, I knew I was in way over my head. This was bigger than some creepy online dude trying to groom me, as awful as that already was. Ralph had entered full-blown predator mode, carefully gathering information to exploit me and threatening my physical safety.
Part of me knew I should have gone straight to my mom or the authorities after receiving that vile email. But I was paralyzed by fear and also shame, overwhelmed by the sudden power imbalance between me and this man who had insidiously worked his way into my life. I thought that if I just played along for a while, I could find a way to get out of this situation safely.
Boy, was I naive.
From: [redacted] [08/26/10, 08:20pm]
To: ralph#j@mailservice.net
Subject: Re: Where are youplease ralph, i’m so sorry. i’ve been sick all day, didn’t go to school and all that… i was just sleeping. i swear i didn’t mean to not talk to you, but i didn’t even notice it’s that late already. i miss you, please just let us be ok again, yes? i’m sorry, i don’t wanna argue
I can still remember how I badly I cried while writing those words. I was scared and simply depressed at the same time - scared of what he could do to me, while another part of me just wanted to go back to these soothing and nice conversations we had days prior. Would I lose him? Would something bad happen to me? I didn’t really understand what was going on.
So when his next email came, I was somewhat relieved. All while simultaneously knowing that I was falling even deeper into the pits of hell.
From: ralph#j@mailservice.net [08/26/10, 08:24pm]
To: [redacted]
Subject: Re: Where are youThere’s my girl. Did I make you hurt yourself again? I’m sorry, angel. Wish I could be there to take care of you.
I could feel my spirit shriveling further. This man had gotten so deep under my skin, stripping me of my identity and self-worth until I was little more than an object for his twisted desires. Now I know he was getting off on this. And back then, I was just trapped, paralyzed by too many emotions and the naive belief that if I just stayed the good girl he wanted me to be, it would all be fine again.
The days after that had been tense. I was still talking to him like I normally did, but every time I took too much time to reply, he’d either ignore or insult me. I found myself trying to make it up to him, soothe his anger, while he became increasingly more demanding.
That’s when the emails from Lisa started.
Lisa has been a friend I just made recently on the very same forum I met Ralph on. We shared some interests, got along well and I found myself wishing we could be going to the same school together. But I never told her about the depravity that was going on with Ralph.
At first, I barely registered her messages popping up in my inbox. They just seemed like spam from some random forum user. But once I saw the subject lines, my blood ran cold.
From: panda!pie@mailservice.com [08/31/10, 10:40am]
To: [redacted]
Subject: Is this happening to you too??From: panda!pie@mailservice.com [08/31/10, 10:45am]
To: [redacted]
Subject: Please tell me you’re not mixed up with himFrom: panda!pie@mailservice.com [08/31/10, 10:47am]
To: [redacted]
Subject: We need to talk about Ralph
After staring at the subject lines for much too long, I finally opened one of her emails with shaky hands.
From: panda!pie@mailservice.com [08/31/10, 10:47am]
To: [redacted]
Subject: We need to talk about RalphOh my god, please tell me you’re not mixed up with some creep named Ralph too?? I’m legit freaking out. I started hearing from other girls who said they were dealing with that psycho, there’s a huge discussion about it online right now.
Please, please tell me you haven’t fallen for his trap too? We need to do something about this sick fuck, but I don’t know what. This guy is unhinged.
Let me know you’re okay,
Lisa
In that moment, everything became clear and more confusing at the same time than ever before. I wasn’t the only one. I wasn’t the only girl who had fallen into this trap. He was a true predator, working countless angles to ensnare as many vulnerable young girls as possible in his twisted web.
For the first time in longer than I could remember, I felt a spark of hope flicker within me, while also feeling a newfound sense of dread. Where I had thought I was special, I had been just one of many. And yet, this mere fact, also made me hate him.
Before even replying to Lisa, I immediately went online to see it for myself. To see what she was talking about. And what I saw made bile rise in my throat.
Comment: [angel666] 08/31/2010
that screenshot from @ mindy-chan.. he sent me the same fucking mailComment: [xSeelchen96x] 08/31/2010
i thought i’m the only oneComment: [SillyOne] 08/31/2010
please no matter what he says DO NOT reply to him anymore!!!Comment: [pandapie.] 08/31/2010
I told my mom about this, we’re getting the cops involved.
The fact that I indeed wasn’t alone in this made something primal settle deep within me. I was done being a victim, a cautionary tale of youth exploitation. It was time to fight back – not just for myself, but for all the other girls he had sunk his claws into over the past weeks, maybe even months or years.
I promised myself to not reply to Ralph anymore, no matter what threatening emails would follow. I wouldn’t look at them, wouldn’t back down.
Over the following few days, I was only able to see the subject lines - and maybe, not knowing what was written in those emails was more scary than actually opening them.
From: ralph#j@mailservice.net [08/31/10, 03:07pm]
To: [redacted]
Subject: Don’t test me againFrom: ralph#j@mailservice.net [08/31/10, 08:40pm]
To: [redacted]
Subject: You’re disappointing meFrom: ralph#j@mailservice.net [09/01/10, 03:31am]
To: [redacted]
Subject: Stupid fucking cunt, you’ll never be free of meFrom: ralph#j@mailservice.net [09/02/10, 07:00am]
To: [redacted]
Subject: You’re already dead
I was too scared to talk to my mom about this and my stepfather was out of question anyways. My teachers also never listened - so Lisa and whoever else was seeing this online were my only options. She said she will stay true to involving the police and I trusted her with my life at that moment.
I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. The fact that Ralph knew where I went to school made me stay at home for days, though I didn’t feel safe there either. Did he really have my address? Could he really show up on the doorstep and do something to me or my family?
What if he went and posted the things I had sent him online? I felt so utterly ashamed.
All I did was clinging to Lisa and the other girls online, internally begging for something to finally happen.
And then, one late evening, the doorbell rang.
I was holed up in bed under a blanket, listening to music. But it was unmistakably Officer Wright’s voice echoing through the hall as he talked to my mother. I couldn’t hear exactly what they were saying the first minutes of their conversation, but curiosity got the best of me, so I peeled myself out of bed and opened the door just a small inch, peeking outside while holding my breath.
He had told mom about a man preying on teenage girls online and after Lisa’s report, he knew that I was involved as well. While I had been too afraid to open up about it, I was actually glad that she had taken initiative.
From what I was able to see, my mom nodded along his words with wide eyes, tense and surely not believing what her stupid daughter had gotten herself into.
But it was what Officer Wright said next that shattered everything in my very soul.
“I want you to know that we don’t take this issue lightly, and actually… Ralph Jenkins is a well known predator already,” He started, shifting in an almost uncomfortable manner from one foot to another. “But the thing is, that he has already died in prison a few months ago.”
My mom tilted her head, obviously confused. “Died? But how can he still send things from his email to my daughter?”
The world was spinning.
While Officer Wright tried to find the right words, I gripped the doorknob even tighter, trying to not lose my footing.
“I’d love to tell you that someone has stolen his email account, but it’s… marked as deleted,” He then elaborated, which only confused my mom - and me - even further. “The mail account shouldn’t and doesn’t exist. It can’t exist. We don’t know where the mails are coming from.”
And while my mom fell into a fit of screaming at the man, I closed the door again to lean against the wood, breathing heavily. For a moment, I just tried to process the words and the meaning behind them.
Ralph was… dead?
But who had I been talking to then?
The next second, I found myself back on my bed again, opening my laptop. Typing “Ralph Jenkins” into the search engine.
What I found in various news articles, didn’t make any sense.
Convicted Child Predator Killed in Prison Attack
Ralph Jenkins, 48, a former xxx resident serving a 40-year sentence for online sexual exploitation of minors, was killed by fellow inmates at SCI xxx on June 17th, 2010.
Jenkins was pronounced dead at 9:24 PM after sustaining multiple blunt force trauma wounds in an attack by several members of the Aryan Brotherhood prison gang. The assault took place in a common area and was likely retaliation for Jenkins’ crimes against children.
“He had it coming,” said one inmate who witnessed the killing but wished to remain anonymous. “There’s no protecting chomos in this prison, especially sick twisters like Jenkins who get off on ruining kids’ lives.”
An investigation is still ongoing, but all suspected attackers have been transferred to other facilities. Jenkins’s defense attorney, Joseph Martins, called the incident “a tragic loss of life, regardless of Mr. Jenkins’ crimes.”
Prior to his 2009 conviction, Jenkins used online forums to solicit nude photos and videos from dozens of teenagers through manipulation and intimidation over a span of nearly 10 years. He claimed to be innocent until the end.
I couldn’t breathe. The details were so gruesomely vivid, so incomprehensibly final. Because if Ralph Jenkins was very much dead and his primary email account had been killed with him… then how the fuck had he been terrorizing us for the past few weeks? How could those emails still be finding its way into our lives?
The only possible explanation, the one that made me feel like I was living a goddamn Shirley Jackson nightmare, began to unspool in my mind. Ralph - whatever consciousness or entity he embodied - had transcended from mere physical form into something more insidiously permanent. A digital ghost.
Suddenly the despicable promise he made about how I would “never be free of him” started ringing with a sickening undercurrent of literalism. This wasn’t just an evil man pushing his dominance to the furthest extremes. This was something else, something beyond human. A malevolent, predatory force that couldn’t be killed or contained because it already existed unbound by physical shackles.
I deleted my social media accounts the very same night.
The following days, I had countless conversations with my mom, the police and also Lisa. But it was getting nowhere. The police just told us to block the user and don’t look back - they couldn’t do anything else for now.
After all, what could stop the restless soul of a predator who refused to let death halt his grotesque obsession? Who could put an end to an evil that didn’t just inhabit this world, but had anchored itself across the impermanent veil between planes?
You may ask yourself, why I talk about this now, so many years later. What made me revisit those gruesome emails, everything I should be trying hard to forget?
Because I want to warn you. Because tonight, I’ve been woken up by an email notification on my phone. And despite knowing I’m safe, now that I’m a grown woman, it still shatters me to the very core and rips open past fears I thought had been buried already.
From: ralph#j@mailservice.net [03/18/10, 01:07am]
To: [redacted]
Subject: Hang in thereHi there,
I can’t help but feel a strong connection between us. You are such a special, beautiful girl, and I want nothing more than to be the one who helps you through these difficult times.
I know you might be scared or uncertain, but I promise you, I mean you no harm. In fact, I only want to protect you and make you feel loved and cherished, the way you deserve.
Waiting eagerly for your reply,
Ralph
We won’t ever get rid of him.
Don’t reply to his emails. Block the sender. There isn’t anything else you can do.