“Leo. LEO!”
“I am TRYING to sleep. What could you possibly want at 4:28AM?!”
I was fine with Mason being the braindead jock who existed to guzzle alcohol and catch STDs from bimbos. I was not fine with him disturbing my sleep. This is the 3rd semester so being alive is hard in itself. Still, I open my eyes and ears to listen promptly.
“The Kitten Sorority is having a party tonight and guess who just got invited”
“Uh, we did?” I couldn’t help but pull my scrawny legs into a ball of I-couldn’t-care-less.
“Actually I got invited but you can come with me. Oh and I’ve been borrowing your underwear for the past week. Way too tight”
“You’re 3 times my size, imbecile. Do your fucking laundry and keep my boxers off your infected shrimp roll.” I could kill him if I weren’t this tired.
“Relax. Tonight you’ll be a few inches deep in some poonani, guaranteed. Maybe then you’ll be happy for once”
Yippy.
•
The day went by as mundanely as usual. Literature, math, psychology, lunch, and my free period. I spend these 60 minutes in the campus library browsing her Facebook page, as I’ve done almost every day for the past year. She posts about positive things. Good music, art, books, love. Not a single half nude picture in sight either, which, as much as I’d like to acquire such a thing, I’m glad other guys don’t get to see it all willy-nilly on her social media. Never in my life did I think I’d find entertainment from being on the internet but she makes things better that way. Of all the idiotic females at this god forsaken school, she stands out the most. Scrolling through, I find a flier advertising the party.
“Is she the one who invited Mason?”
The girl sitting across from me meets my eyes with confusion. Despite feeling dumb, I can’t help but notice the cleavage peeking out from her button up. I hate most things and most people, but we can all enjoy a decent looking pair of breasts, can’t we?
“What did you say?” Her eyes narrow, realizing where my line of sight is. My face burns bright.
“Um. Sorry, just talking to myself about tonight’s sorority party. Are you going?” Great. I’m a pervert and I’m socially inept. Nothing new here. Surprisingly, she smiles, revealing a row of crooked teeth.
“Actually, I am going. I’m assuming you are too. My name is Lina. What’s yours?”
Lina, teeth, boobs… She’s Mason’s ex fuck buddy. I can feel my skin melt and her eyes are on me again. The urge to choke the shit out of her is so strong that somehow my body walks itself out of that library without me moving a muscle. Fuck you Mason. I can’t even enjoy a female’s presence without their image being tainted with the possibility of him fucking their brains out. Lina is number 17. Intriguing smile with a nice rack. Check.
•
After the library debacle, I lay in bed thinking about Kelly. Thinking about what she may wear to the party. The scent on her sun kissed skin and the way her long blonde hair may curl. How she’ll pucker her lips for a guy who isn’t me. I wonder why I’m turning 20 and the only vaginal contact I’ve had was at birth. Why am I underweight? Would she like me if I got a haircut and ate more? Am I the only one who thinks the malnourished geeky goth look suits me? What could she taste like? I wonder if Lina knows her. Doesn’t everyone know her?
In psychology we’re learning about obsession. The definition of obsession is the inability to stop thinking about a particular topic. I refuse to admit that I’m that captivated by her, but I do constantly replay our first and only interaction in my head. Daily.
“Can I borrow your pencil? I’m sorry, I lost mine and I really have to finish this” She’s actually talking to me? I’ve never heard her voice this close to my ears. My brain sucks it up, absorbing it like a sponge. Her lips look like heaven itself. All the spite and hatred I have for mankind seems to disintegrate as her friendly smile turns into a patient grin. My pencil? You can have more than my pencil. Have me and I’ll do whatever you want. Then the animals she calls a friend group rip her perfection away from me. They must be wolves from the way they travel in packs. A girl much less attractive than Kelly said, “Don’t stand so close to that freak unless you want whatever diseases he’s got”. They all laughed, even the ones who didn’t hear the insult, but not Kelly. She didn’t laugh. Did they have to embarrass me right before Kelly was almost in the palm of my hand? She looked me in the eyes apologetically. She looked into me, not past me. Her eyes, a beautiful shade of emerald green. Her grin fades completely and they all walk away.
What are real girls anyway? I’m irrelevant to them whether it be in this university or off campus. You’ve got to be over 6 feet tall with a body of steel to catch a girl’s eye. Well I’ll catch a girl’s eye on my own. I’ll stick my thumb, index and middle finger right into her hollow skull and snatch it out. Fish, line and sinker.
•
I’m awoken by Mason again but this time I’m drowning in his Axe body spray. I choke and he starts cracking up. At least one of us is having a good time.
“Lighten up buddy, this is the scent of the week. You should start getting ready for the party”. Ugh.
I dress myself slowly as Mason drones on and on about the latest edition of “This girl had the best body ever. I love sex. How are you still a virgin?” He’s in a pink polo shirt with khaki shorts, styling gel holding all 4 of his hairs in place. Could he be any more of a cliche? Meanwhile, I’m sporting a basic black tee with gray jeans and converse. Dressed to kill, I think to myself goofily while putting my hair in a bun. I wonder if Kelly likes men with long hair. I wish my eyes weren’t so dark. Or that I could grow a proper beard. I wish I didn’t have so many wishes. My heartbeat shows beneath my shirt. Kelly.
“Remember the chick I told you about?”
Unfortunately. “Uh huh, I remember. Why?”
“She’ll be there tonight,” he says as he’s flexing in the mirror, sliding condoms in his back pocket.
“..think she’ll let me smash again?”
He’s gotta be kidding me. What a fucking moron. The hickey on his neck makes a perfect target. I roll my eyes.
“Sure, I guess. I’d feel bad if she did though.”
The ugliest smirk spreads across his face.
“You’re just jealous, little punk. Let’s get going. Wouldn’t wanna miss all those kittens, would ya?”
•
It only takes us a few minutes to walk across the lot to the huge apartment, which was already bustling with termites otherwise known as my peers. Mason tells me we’re an hour late. I’m trying to be thankful that he brought me with him, otherwise I couldn’t get a glimpse of her but we could’ve at least been on time.
The entire dorm is covered in cat decorations. When the door opens, we’re greeted by dainty Starbucks fuelled females in kitten ears and furry tails. Loud trap music is being played, drugs and liquor are being passed about. Typical. To the left of me, I can feel Mason perk up like a dog in heat. Welcome to paradise.
The people look no different from one another. A sea of disappointment, an array of different tans, browns and pales. No Kelly. Suddenly I’m on my own. Mason is being led to a coat closet with Lina, I’m assuming. Very fucking typical.
•
Everyone who looks my way has pity on their faces. I’m sitting on the couch between strangers who are shoving their tongues down one another’s throat as if herpes doesn’t exist. It’s been 2 hours. The music begins to sound like the burning pits of hell. The beer I’ve been holding is lukewarm now. I’ve seen so many girls pretending to be felines that I feel sick. The men in here are no better, grinding against unwashed asses. It’s beginning to smell like a fishy hotbox. I would pick peaceful solitaire in my dorm over a party any day.
I decide to go to the restroom to either overdose on a random prescription in the cabinet, pee, or cry about how I promised Mason I wouldn’t leave here without him.
As I’m opening the door, I hear a drunken groan. Did I just interrupt someone’s quickie? I apologize, but then I realize someone may be in trouble.
“Hello? Is everything okay in there?”, I’m the only one in the hallway but the music is so loud, I hope the person can hear me.
“Please, I need help. I think I was raped!”
Fuck. That’s Kelly’s voice. My anxiety shakes me to the core. I quickly go inside, locking the door behind me. I can’t help but stare when I see her. Her body is sprawled out in the bathtub. Dress half ripped, breasts out, scratches and bruises all over her. Even on her face. The assailant left the light off, so the moonlight through the window is all that illuminates her. She’s a beautiful tainted angel and I can’t catch my breath.
“Get me out of here, I need to get to the hospital!”
Kelly reaches for me, her arms immediately going limp. Whatever drug she was given still has her incapacitated.
I can’t speak or think. I get on my knees in front of the bathtub and watch her face. Her forehead is creased with all kinds of gloom, and every wound looks fresh. The red lipstick smeared down her chin matches the dry blood on her thighs. Her eyes are darker than I’ve ever seen them. Whoever did this to her must have taken her phone, otherwise I’m sure the police would’ve been here by now. She’s shaking as if I might hurt her. Her breath smells of vodka. How could you drink so much that you let this happen to yourself? One of those drinks she surely left unattended. Could it be that I’m just an ignorant man who has no concern for the female condition? Well I do, Kelly. Only then do I realize she can’t hear my thoughts and even if she could, would she listen? I manage to choke out a sentence or two.
“Grab onto my shoulders. Here,” I wrap my arms around her shivering torso.
“I’m going to help you.” I’m going to help myself.
Twinkles of fear and hope glimmer in her eyes. I lift her and she feels nice in my hands. I maneuver myself out the door, through the crowd of assholes who never gave a fuck about me. Only a few people look worried at the sight of an injured Kelly, most being too high or drunk to even notice us. They’ll care after tonight. In my arms is a beautiful creature. I’ll take care of you, Kelly.
Upon arrival, I explain it may be best if she freshens up and trades her dress of scraps for actual clothes before calling an ambulance. I want her to be comfortable, considering her situation.
Kelly pauses, leaning against the top bunk for support. She speaks in almost a whisper.
“You’re right. Besides, I’m embarrassed about what happened. Getting medical assistance here would call attention to me so I’ll Uber there when I’m done instead.”
I nod, my stomach churning with nervousness. There’s never been a girl in my dorm before. One that was here for me anyway.
•
Kelly bathes without a word. All the men who ever touched her, I hope it was being washed away. On the counter I left a pair of my clothes. After an hour, she emerges from the bathroom, more coherent than how I found her, but still somewhat in a daze. She wouldn’t look me in the eyes. I find my voice suddenly. This may be my only chance to confess.
“Kelly, listen. I think I’m in love with you. I’ve been watching you since you got here. You’re gorgeous. You are such a doll an-”
She winces and makes a run for the door. I don’t fucking think so. I may have come on too strongly but I’m tired of being nice. Fuck her comfortability, I saved her after she’d been raped. Why bite the hand that feeds you? Anger floods through me and I yank her by the hair before she can turn the doorknob. She flies back into my desk, making all my books topple over.
Her scream pierces my ears in the best way. I watch her cry and touch the back of her head to see if she’s bleeding. Beautiful blonde bimbo bitch. You let this happen. I can just imagine what he did to you. What they did to you. Why? It could’ve been us.
“Someone help me!”
She’s on her feet again but I grab her with all my might, slamming her head into the blue metal of the bed frame. She really is screaming now, like she’s being murdered. I love her so much.
Her body falls to the floor, blood beginning to stain my favourite shirt. That isn’t very nice of her.
Kelly whimpers and it sounds like music to my ears. “Leo. Please don’t do this to me”
“Don’t beg me. I love you”
My lips crash down on hers forcefully. My first kiss. I’ll remember this forever. Tears start sliding down both of our faces and I cup her chin. She nudges her head forward to push me away. Fembley she speaks.
“Why are you doing this to me?!”
“Your eyes are so dim up close. I wanted to believe that you were different,”
Kelly’s back is in a slump, her body finally submitting to all the injuries she’s sustained tonight. I pin her arms above her head, securing them to the frame of the bottom bunk with Mason’s belt. I always told him not to leave his shit lying around. Now look at what he made me do. They all made me do it. I can feel my lips getting dry so I kiss her over and over. She’s crying my name, pleading. I don’t want to hear her voice ever again.
“That day when I saw you and how lovely you were, I realized not all females are the same. I worshipped you but you proved me wrong. You let those men get you drunk and fuck your disgusting pussy until you were in someones bathtub like how I found you! Now guess what. I’m going to fucking kill you!”
Her eyes flicker and she shouts out again, asking for someone, anyone to help. I am helping. She starts kicking at me so I punch her so hard that her mouth fills with blood.
“You whore. You are making such a mess. You’re so pretty, even when you’re all used up” I can’t help but caress her face and smile. Her eyes are closed but she’s still breathing. I didn’t want to do this.
I kiss her again before reaching beneath my mattress for my switchblade. I look at her. Look through her, not past her. Long tan limbs and soft supple skin all over.
“Don’t you understand? You’re a sorority dream. The perfect girl and I get to keep every part of you”
I don’t wait for her to respond. My breathing is getting louder and I’m excited to see what she looks like on the inside. I go inside the closet and roll out the portable freezer. Kelly won’t shut her pretty mouth. She’s letting out the most guttural howls I’ve ever heard.
“I’M GOING TO DIE! Someone help me!”
“At least you know, and at least you knew, I loved you more than anything.”
My trembling hands find her chest. I look her in the eyes one more time, raising my hand high, letting the knife come down hard, colliding with her heart. I wish I could have kept you, I think to myself.
•
My sweet girl. Cutting you apart takes some time, so much so that I switched to a bigger knife. Your head, your arms, your legs. What a disarray. Your blood is everywhere. Every few minutes, I lean down and kiss your severed head’s lips. You smell like iron and sunflowers. You feel good on the inside. You pleasure me. I wish I could’ve heard your moans. I hope you liked it. I feel so strong, being in your presence. I do what I have to, to keep you with me. I lay my body down next to your limbs and tell you everything I’ve ever wanted to tell you. I tell you I’m sorry. I love you. I already miss you. But you lied to me, putting on a pure image for the sake of my sanity. Kelly, can you hear me?
•
The party lasted all night. Mason didn’t come home till 8AM. By then, I had removed any evidence of Kelly’s existence. She’ll never be able to hurt anyone else. I’m sorry it had to be that way.
“Morning. I’m so hungover. Hey! You left without me, did you think I’d forget?”
I flash a megawatt smile at him because for once in my life I feel whole.
Mason’s eyes widen, his invisible sex radar blairing red. “Yes, yes, yes! Look at you growing up. Who’s the girl? Fat ass or what?”
I can’t even hate him anymore. Because of him, me and Kelly will be together for as long as I can stand it.
“Yep. I made love and I kissed a lot. I get to do it whenever I want!”, I tell him excitedly. My chest is full of love.
“Sweet. Where is she? Or did she bounce after a long night of the naked tango?”
I point to the freezer beneath my bunk.
I love you, Kelly.