I’ve been hiding for months now. i don’t know how it got here. it started as more of a hunch, but there’s this being, this shadow lingering in my presence, and every time i think about it, it grows stronger in my mind, in my body, in my waking.
i tried to brush it off, but it would feel as if i carried rocks in my heart, as if it fed off of me, a burden that plays the piano of my emotions. I’ve always been scared of these things, i didn’t want to be haunted. i thought that nightmares were meant to stay as such - nightmares, and nothing more. not that of the conscious world. i find that an odd take, because it seems i’m living in a subconscious state.
nevertheless i’ve never felt more terrified. it’s anger seeps down my spine, and only seems to take over my nerves, my eyes my thoughts when things go it’s way - when things don’t go my way. it’s like a leech, taking what it wants from my life and leaving me with its scraps. i don’t know how i contracted this parasite, I’ve been trying to keep the peace with satan’s minion, but some days i just have to let it win. i’m not always full of energy, i can’t always fight it.
when things go it’s way it likes to laugh behind my back. it thinks it is, but u can always hear it, looking maliciously over my soul. and whenever things don’t go it’s way, it takes out it’s anger on me. he’s hurt me before. he likes to play with my blood, where it flows in and out, whether it’s outside of me or not. it’s beat me, made me cry, and i can’t seem to escape it. I’ve tried running, sprinting, travelling, i can’t shake it loose. i’m scared it’s stuck with me forever.
believe me i’ve tried to get rid of it in other ways too. I’ve contacted so many friends, colleagues, family, with each telling me i’m overreacting, i’m faking it for attention, there’s nothing wrong with me and i’m making it up. i wish i was. I’ve been to exorcists, and they just looked at me funny. ‘there’s nothing attached to you’. i know these people are scams already. i just thought it was worth a shot. Worth a shot to rid me of this uncanny spirit.
recently it’s been acting up. it’s escalated it’s terror and violence. it started throwing mugs around the room, it screams in my conscience and tells me to do things i don’t want to, it toys with my body, and plays games with my social life and workplace. no one takes me seriously anymore. i’ve already been fired, and lost so many friends just from ghosting them. Because, i was scared that if i stayed, that they would be even more hurt because of this demon attached to me.
i’m trying to call you right now, but you’re not picking up. i’ll just leave my final goodbyes here, and hopefully when you check your phone you’ll see this. i hope it goes through. it’s standing outside, knocking on my bathroom door, and i’m scared to go out. its shrieking at me saying it’s my last. it’s come back, and i think this will be the final time it will. i’m going with it. i can’t keep fighting; i’m just too exhausted. it’s given me all its problems, and taken all my pleasure. it’s marked me as its own on my wrists, and now it’s going to have me forever. its given me its final symptom, its final gift; a large, smooth, silver blade. i’m turning it sideways right now and i can see myself. i look so dead, i look so lost. i haven’t seen myself in a mirror for a while. but hopefully i’ll see you again one day, up there. I hope. I guess this is where my death will take me. this is how i will take myself.