Time
The greatest, yet most terrifying of mysteries that pervade the universe. Man has driven himself, his own flesh and blood, his entire race to the grave, clawing and scratching to escape the crushing force of time’s arrow.
Time, you see, takes everything, everyone, and in the end, darkness is all that’s left.
For as far back as I can remember, that darkness, the inky eternal void of space, has been my one true passion, a refuge for my overactive imagination and curiosity of the expanse of spacetime we inhabited. The finest wines, intoxicants, women and men alike, nothing could ignite my fever, nor chill my blood quite like the ever expanding void of the cosmos.
Mine had been a time of debauchery, indulgence, and excess, though only at the highest levels of society. The politicians, ever so arrogant and unaware of the trouble brewing outside their own doors, had done nothing for centuries, nothing to help our land escape the decay of its indulgence, nor anything to appease the bourgeoisie they had so viciously exploited for far too long. Revolution had been inevitable for many years, so when it came, it came swiftly and brutally.
The endless war stretched on, and with every fallen soldier sent back home in a hallowed box, my hope and resolve for our world, our kind, our way of life, dwindled away. The neverending hordes of soldiers and fallen comrades, sights so horrible and so full of despair, my heart wept for every drop of blood spilled. After four years of senseless genocide, our power hungry generals, fat with pride, refused to stop the onslaught, even if it meant making every other woman in our country a widow. Day after day I would look young men in the eyes, lie to them and tell them they’d all be going home for the holidays, knowing it would be the last thing they would ever hear.
Sleep was a precious luxury only afforded on the rarest of occasions. The screams of my wounded and dying troops, haunting as they were, melted away in the pitch black expanse of the night sky. I yearned for a way out, an escape from this godforsaken rock and a way to explore the cosmos for the rest of my existence.
If you could sell your soul for whatever you wanted, what would you wish for?
We’ve probably all either wondered or been asked a variation of this question in our lives. Money, wealth, power, the return of a loved one or the heart of another. Most of us couldn’t even fathom what it would mean to give up your soul, your very essence, for a chance to have your dreams come true. Most wouldn’t know what to do with that newfound power once given it, and most would die unfulfilled and just as dead on the inside, with only eternal damnation to look forward to.
The funny thing about hell though, is that fire can get awfully tempting then you’re stuck on an iceberg.
One night, one cloudless night.
I remember it well.
It’s one of the few days that remain as clear to me now as in the moment it had happened. It was night, the sun had long slipped beyond the horizon and was already barreling back towards the other side. I’d found a spot around 30 or so yards away from the main camp, just far enough away to wear the screams of agony were mere whispers. I looked up into the cloudless sky, saw the thousands of glimmering stars, shining from billions of light-years into space, dreaming of the day humanity would finally gain access to the cosmos.
I prayed, for the first time in over a decade, for the chance to make those dreams a reality. I would give everything, live a thousand and one eternities in hell for just a chance at divine ecstasy.
Please, please god. Just this once.
In that same second, a rumbling nearby broke me from my trance. Bombs. Another raid perhaps. I sat upright quickly and looked towards the coming storm. More rumbling. The camp had been alerted and was sounding the alarm. I had to act fast. Desertion had been considered a crime of ultimate cowardice, of betrayal. Only the lowest rat of the foulest sewer would abandon their duty to their country in times of war, especially when we were so close to victory.
Only I knew that to be a lie. There was no going back from the atrocities our country had committed in the name of honor and power. I wanted nothing more to do with the fat bureaucrats masquerading as leaders, or the country they’d led into ruin. My mind was already made up. I scanned my surroundings, and thankfully, the hill I’d chosen gave me a decent view of the clearing, even in the dark. I looked for anything, any sign of a town or house. There was a smattering of smoke to the west illuminated by flickering lights, an isolated woodland village, or so I hoped. It didn’t matter. I’d already committed to my path and began running down the hill towards the lights, away from my life and everything I’d ever known.
Not a moment too soon as it turned out, as a deafening explosion roared behind me just seconds later. The ground shook and threatened to send me on my feet, but my extensive training had largely cured me of my clumsiness, and so I was able to retain my balance as a torrent of scorched earth rained down all around me. The treeline was thankfully just yards away from my original spot, and the undergrowth provided plenty of protection for me to regain my bearings.
Just a dozen or so yards to my left, another explosion sounded off, and the smell of fuel and fire began to fill the air around me. Having only barely caught my breath moments before, I broke out into another full sprint, my padded clothing providing plenty of protection from the thick brush. A hail of gunfire followed another explosion, further to my right, and I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking I’d escaped whomever had given chase.
It only took five or so minutes to reach the village, which was rather quaint compared to the bustling city I’d come from. The population had largely fled judging from the vacant shops and abandoned vehicles in the streets, which was perfect for me. If I wanted to survive on my own, I was going to need supplies.
I’d never stolen a single item, not even a loaf of bread, in my entire life before the war. I certainly wasn’t proud of it, and harbored tremendous guilt even given the circumstances. I rationalized that I would return to repay the debt once I’d gotten settled, which was a feeble endeavor in it of itself. My conflicted morality aside, I crept through the dark and quiet streets, taking note of the surprisingly lack of destruction despite the raging war only a stone’s throw away.
I chose what looked to be an antique shop of some kind, possibly full of valuable treasures I could pawn off for somewhere else. The break-in itself was easy enough, as none of the doors were locked. After checking the back, I decided on the basement cellar, thinking the most valuable items would be stored there. Closing the doors behind me, the previously quiet night was soon full of the sounds of twisted, rusty metal. I held my breath for a moment, sure my cover had already been blown. After about a minute or so, I assumed the coast was clear and proceeded forward.
Just as I had predicted, the cellar was indeed filled to the brim with antiques and oddities, the likes I’d never seen before. There were the usual items, such as ornamental clocks and music boxes, all unfortunately coated in a fine layer of soot and dust. But then there were other items, objects so mysterious and foreign, I couldn’t decipher their origin or purpose. There was this rather plain looking ruby gemstone embedded in an ancient slab of rock, inscribed with an ancient language I had no hope in translating. Thinking it might be worth something, I grabbed it and placed it in my rucksack. There were other stones of varying color and size. As beautiful as they were, most of them wouldn’t fetch me much on their own, and I was going to have limited carrying space as it was. As I turned a corner, I saw there was a section of the cellar that had been sectioned off by several bookcases and a hole-ridden drape. In every store, there’s always a section where you store the “real” goods, treasures too valuable to sit on the floor, and I assumed that this was theirs.
Casting the drapes aside, I was met with a single shelf with only a handful of items that looked quite ordinary at first glance. Another gemstone, this one a deep amber, what looked like a set of daggers wrapped in a leather sheath, and a jar of liquid containing what I assumed to be a human brain. A little off putting for sure, but far from the most gruesome sight I’d ever seen.
You should see brains when they’re not in a jar.
I’m sure there was a long backstory for why each of these objects had been set aside, but apart from their admittedly intriguing presentation, nothing stood out as being particularly valuable. As I was turning to leave, I caught the glint of something from the bottom shelf, something I’d overlooked. Bending over to get a better look, I reach out to grab the shiny metallic object.
It was an ornate oil lamp, by far the most intricate and exotic I’d ever seen. The material was of the finest quality, a glossy black metal that was quite heavy for such a small object. There was no wording or description, at least nothing I could make out. Instead, there was only a series of abstract shapes spawning off from the open brim that branched off into a series of strands, encircling the entire lamp. It was indescribably beautiful, yet there was something almost sinister about its iridescent black hue, the way it appeared to absorb light instead of reflecting it.
This moment, out of the endless more that would come, I remember so vividly; the weight of the lamp in my hand, the musty smell of the cellar, everything is still so clear after all these years.
If given the chance, would I do anything differently? Would I place the lamp back on the shelf and continue on with my original plan?
Could I?
Surely though, it was surely worth a fortune, all I needed was to find the right vendor. My home country was well known for its black market trading, so provided I found passage back, finding a buyer shouldn’t take too long. I reached to grab it, but no sooner had my fingers touched the surface, a thunderous explosion sent me and the contents of the entire shelf to the floor. I barely registered the sound of gunfire before another loud blast sent a shower of burning wood right on top of me.
Struggling under the intense pain and growing mountain of debris, I struggled in vain to regain my senses. Sound was completely gone and my vision was quickly fading as well. Through the dark, I could briefly make out a hazy orange glow which quickly revealed itself as fire. With great difficulty, I managed to drag myself from under what I later saw to be a large section of the floor above me. The night sky was visible, though barely so under the growing plume of smoke billowing out of the basement. Getting back on my feet, I began to frantically search the cellar for the exit, but to my dismay, the growing inferno had already consumed the wooden staircase leading up to the store front.
Panic began to set in as I tried to double back and search for the way I had originally come in. The suffocatingly thick smoke had already filled the room and my already severely reduced vision became fuzzier with each passing breath. Stumbling to my knees once more, I wheezed as I cried out for someone, anyone to help me. But there was no one, no one to return my cries but a rapid fire of torched bullets. With the last breath I thought I’d take, I collapsed to the floor and looked upwards to the sky. Though the smoke had clouded much of my view, I was still able to make out a handful of glittering stars. I tensed up and closed my eyes, readying myself mentally for a pain beyond comprehension.
That was when my hands felt the metallic surface of the lamp, still wrapped in my fingers. Somehow it had remained tethered to me despite all the destruction around me. Despite the raging fire around me, the lamp remained cold to the touch, providing some relief from the surging heat. I thought it was funny, how I would die in this basement, burning in agony all because of this lamp. Maybe someone would find my skeleton years later, the lamp still firmly grasped to my hand.
They’d probably have to break my fingers off in order to get the lamp.
The thought made me chuckle, and in that moment, I felt an aura of peace I’d never experienced before in my life. I was ready. No, I’d always been ready. The fire I’d always been searching for was now just within reach. I waited, fully at peace with the fate that was about to befall me.
Only the fire never came.
And oh how I wish it had.
Instead, a tugging at my arm was followed by a firm yet gentle pull as my entire body was drug slowly away. I protested at first, not wanting that fleeting glimmer of serenity to fade, but it was too late. The heat from the fire had already washed away as waves of cool air made their way into my weakened lungs. I coughed, wheezed, and stuttered before my eyes finally flickered open. I was outside, the beautiful night sky now fully visible with only hints of smoke to block the view. I’d stopped moving, and with what little strength I had left, propped myself up to get a look at my rescuer.
At first I thought my eyes had deceived me, that the smoke inhalation and adrenaline were affecting my cognitive abilities. Though I was certainly far from the largest of my troops, I still had put on a hefty amount of weight and muscle, and therefore it would have taken a great deal of effort to lift me from a burning cellar.
Yet as I continued to blink and rub my eyes, the tiny form of an old beggar woman only became more and more apparent. I was stunned of course, yet no less grateful. I smiled and sprung to my feet, intending to thank her eternally for saving my life, but was sent back down to the ground by a growing intense pain spreading from my lower leg, the one that’d been almost crushed in the basement. The woman helped me to stand, retorting quickly under breath, so quietly I almost didn’t catch her.
“It’s not safe here. Follow me”
Her words had a cool, clipped inflection that flowed wonderfully with her accent. I nodded my head and followed her, limping along as we slowly made our way back into the woods and away from the burning village. For such an old woman, I had trouble keeping pace with her, and several times I lost sight of her ghostly white hair in the brush, only for her to somehow end up behind me, always with a smile.
Before too long, we arrived at a tiny cottage, probably a mile or so away from the village. The smell of burning wood and gunpowder was still thick in the air, but the muffled explosions told us we were a good enough distance away to relax for the time being. Inside the cabin, which was surprisingly warm and maintained for such an isolated spot, the elderly woman set about taking care of my injuries. With the adrenaline wearing off, surges of pain were beginning to spread from just about every part of my body.
My groan and cries did little to desaude my caretaker from doing her job. In fact, with each little grunt or cry of anguish, she would gaze deeply into my eyes with the gentlest look in hers, and any pain I had felt would vanish. She had a healing power to her, that much was obvious. Perhaps she had been a doctor’s assistant or surgeon, for she moved with great precision and speed.
My leg had suffered a minor fracture that would heal in a month’s time, she promised, and my lungs and eyes needed to rest after so much exposure to toxic fumes. With a gin and tonic, along with some beautiful pink capsule she’d provided, I was out within seconds. A dreamless sleep was exactly what I needed, and the next morning I arose just minutes after the break of dawn. The old woman was already awake, preparing quite the selection of food fit for an entire army.
As we ate, she asked me about my post, my life before the war. I answered each question without any in return, my only desire at that moment was satisfying the hunger that had gone unsatiated for many years. So famished was I, I didn’t quite register her next question which I almost answered on impulse.
“So you have abandoned your post then?”
I stopped, only allowing myself to swallow the last gulp of food before looking down in shame. Of course, she would have to ask that. A myriad of possible answers came to mind, but none of them sufficed. Besides, what good would it be to lie to this stranger, this old woman who’d rescued me from a burning building. But just as I was about to answer, suddenly I had a question of my own. One I’d been dwelling over ever since my rescue.
“How’d you rescue me from that fire?” I asked blankly, staring deep into her amber eyes. The layers of wrinkles and swirls of gray hair disguised a former beauty and deep intellect, someone who at one point, or perhaps still was, a person of significance and grace. A woman that was not to be trifled with. She only smiled, pausing for a second before answering.
“I saw you come into the shop.” Though her outwardly shell had seen better days, her voice was strong, echoing loudly over top of my own. I continued to study her, my years of training now analyzing her every move, our surroundings, anything that would clue me in on who this mysterious woman was. Still, my thoughts flashed back to my intrusion into the shop, and my attempted theft. The lamp, which was now safely resting in my side pocket, suddenly felt ten tons heavier.
“It was your shop then?” I replied back, the guilt and shame growing by the second.
“It’d been my home for many years, yes. Don’t worry yourself though, I’m happy to be free of it.” the woman said with a smile, and as I looked closer, I noticed something unsettling that I had not dawned on me yet.
Her voice. It had been raspy and soft in the forest, but inside the cabin it had grown sharp and stronger. But that wasn’t the only thing.
Her skin.
Under the dim moonlight, it had appeared worn and wrinkled, but under the glow of the warm fire it was smoother, more defined. The long eroded beauty that time had taken away seemed to thrive in the little wooded oasis. She didn’t appear to notice my studious gaze, as she was seemingly locked into one of her own. Our eyes finally met after a few moments, and the instant they did, I could have sworn she looked even younger. A good decade seemed to have been wiped from the woman’s face seemingly overnight.
Finally, she spoke up once more.
“You never answered my question young man. Have you abandoned your post as lieutenant?”
I was immediately caught off guard once again as an icy chill coursed it way throughout my body, filling every vein with a chilly sting and raising every hair on my body. I hadn’t told her my rank, only that I’d been serving in the armed forces and had fled in the middle of the night. Nervously, I decided to play her game, see what else she knew.
“Well, not just my post. My life, such as it is.” I was honest and to the point, no need for lies here. Besides, I had a feeling she would detect them the minute they left my lips.
She smiled and nodded, as if expecting the answer. She closed her eyes for a moment and whispered something to herself so softly I had no hope in hearing what it was. She then looked back at me with the most intense, longing expression, like she was seeing right into my very soul.
“You harbor a tremendous pain inside you my dear, you’ve carried it with you for as long as you could walk. An aching, to see sights not of this world, to leave your wretched society of excess and hypocrisy behind. I’ve seen your pain reflected in the faces of monarchs, swindlers, and tradesmen from every corner of the globe. It’s an insidious pain that grows patiently, slowly decaying the body and soul from the inside. It becomes a cancer, feeding on misery, propelling us further into the void.”
It was astounding, listening to her as she spoke. Thoughts and desires, never utter aloud to another soul, now coming straight from these strangers lips as if she were peering straight into the very recesses of my mind. I couldn’t help but feel somewhat…violated, now that my deepest kept secrets were out in the open. There was nowhere to run from them in this place.
“How did you know-” I was about to say before she cut me off, anticipating this question for some time no doubt.
“I know a great many things, young man. My time here in this world has been long and filled to the brim with heartache and suffering. I’m well acquainted with the same pain you’ve tried in vain to run away from your entire life. You crave an escape, a chance to quench your thirst for adventure. I can feel the fires of passion burning bright, yearning to be set free. Would you like me to help you, to set the fire free?”
She spoke with such reverence, such conviction, as if she were giving a sermon and I was her only congregation. I was confused, unsure of how to proceed forward. Her youthful emergence and strange yet prophetic ramblings belied her true intentions. She was guiding me towards some already predetermined destination, and I was powerless to resist. Curiosity had always been the thorn in my side, constantly getting me into all manner of trouble. Eager to know what she had to offer me, a runaway ex-soldier chasing the stars, I asked the question, that fatal question that would decide my fate forever.
“How? How could you possibly help me?”
She looked back into my eyes with that same soul piercing gaze she’d had before. The wrinkles that had been so thoroughly ingrained into her skin minutes ago had all but vanished, leaving only a few scattered ridges behind. Her radiant beauty now shined brighter than the evening star, with little resemblance to the beggar woman who’d rescued me.
What was this trickery? A slight of hand perhaps? There’d been old wise tales from my childhood about witches and dark magic that dwelled in the nether regions, places too far and too cold for mortal man to trespass. I’d never been one for superstition before. But fear has a funny way of making you a believer.
“What if I told you I could give you what you desire? A chance to make all your wildest dreams come true. The adventure you desperately seek is out there, I promise you, it exists. A place halfway between reality and fantasy, between the real and the unreal; it’s just beyond that blue veil my child. I’ve seen it, and many other places. Worlds just like this one, some stranger and alien beyond comprehension. Endless universes, full of every possibility and more, awaits you! You’ve never been so close!”
Her passion was infectious, so much so that I almost believed her.
Almost.
I’d been the victim of fraud before, and she wouldn’t be the last trickster to try and swindle me as far as I was concerned. Perhaps she meant well, maybe even believed her own delusions of grandeur. Perhaps I was suffering from a psychotic break, which would certainly explain the woman’s ever changing appearance. I’m not sure why I continued to play along with her charade when all I wanted was to leave and forget I’d ever encountered this strange person, my blood oath to her be damned.
But how does that phrase go again, about curiosity and the cat?
“So what? You grant me my deepest desires, and I give you what in return? My undying gratitude? My life, my soul? I’ve read this story before, and it never ends well for the main character.” I laughed under my breath as I spoke. I had fancied myself quite the clever lad, always playing chess when everyone else was playing checkers.
But oh how I’d underestimated my opponent. With her word and every passing second, her spell over me grew stronger and stronger, and little did I know she was about to play her final hand.
“No, of course not my child. Though your suspicion is not unwarranted. I require nothing from you, for you have already given me everything I could ever ask for. I only seek to liberate you from the internal hell you’ve been trapped in all your life, to give you the adventure you’ve craved from the moment you first saw that glimmer in the sky, knowing there was an entire universe out there, just waiting for the taking. You can have it, child. Everything and beyond. All you have to do is tell me what it is that you desire.”
The glint in her eye as she finished has been burned into my brain, though all the lost years and eons. There were so many signs, so many chances to turn away, to return to my tortured life. The air itself seemed to be chilled by her words, and her clipped and seductive accent only furthered the aura of mystery that clung to her.
I studied my rescuer one last time. Any traces of the elderly beggar woman had been all but erased, replaced by an exotic and indescribable beauty. The pale wrinkled skin was now a smooth, shiny, and a perplexing shade of brown that I’d never seen before. Her hair, formerly a ghostly gray, was now a salt and peppered mixture of ginger and blonde that swirled around in an intricate braid. Her amber eyes were wide and practically lifted straight from the center of the earth. Everything about her invited you in, propelled you to know more.
Of course, that had always been the plan, had it not?
Still, the smallest piece of hope the war and my life hadn’t completely stomped out, yearned for the life she had spoken of. Yet it would be that same hope that would doom me to an eternity in the void.
“Fine, you want to know what I really desire?” I spoke with a sincerity and confidence I’d not felt in many moons, not since the early days of the war. Her gaze was now firmly locked onto mine once more, and the sense of mental invasion crept over me yet again.
She had me, hook line and sinker.
“I want to see everything. Every star, every planet, every moon, every galaxy. I want to travel to the furthest reaches of creation, see every sight there is to see. I want to know the answers to every question ever asked by mankind, to travel at speeds he has only ever dreamed of. But most of all, I want to live long enough to see it all. To see the future, to marvel in the glory of what mankind will become. I want to be… eternal.”
My famous last words.
I’d all but forgotten the woman and our woodland surroundings as I spoke. My thoughts were already far behind the veil, beyond the stars and flying through the black void. My childlike imagination had been my only refuge, my oasis in the black desert. I looked over to the woman, who’s smiling expression was now deeply unnerving. Her toothy grin had spread from ear to ear, and her eyes were closed so tightly it looked as if they were about to roll back into her head. As soon as they opened once more, her eyes gleamed with such ferocious intensity they threatened to jump clean from her face. Her lips motioned as if she were about to speak, but the words that came out were almost inaudible and so my ears strained to pick them up.
“Siempre Vive…”
We sat there, each locked in a deep gaze with the other. My shallow, labored breathing alongside her barely audible whispers were the only detectable sounds, the deafening sharp silence only intensifying as our standoff came to its sudden and anticlimactic end. She only spoke once more, with her final words all but seared into my memory.
“I knew you were going to be special. Every man unlucky enough to walk the earth has craved the adventure you seek. But at long last, your search is over. So you desire, my child, so it shall be.”
In the same moment that she finished, a loud and bellowing yell echoed from somewhere in the cabin. It took several seconds to realize that the screaming was coming from me. All at once, an intense burning pain began spreading from my lower body. It was hot, hotter than any conflagration I’d ever witnessed, burning brighter than a thousand white hot suns. I screamed louder and louder, praying to a nonexistent god for the first time in over a decade. The woman didn’t move to help me as she’d done before. She only sat opposite me, with that crooked smile now deeply ingrained into her skin, her formerly amber eyes now pitch black. I could do nothing as tendrils of fog began to wrap their fingers around my subconscious, plummeting me backwards into the void.